I could seriously use advice from people who know me... or feel they know me well. I feel so much in a vacuum. My own thoughts and feelings are hiding far beyond repair. I am in need of both life and relationship advice. Whichever you feel may benefit me.
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I feel as though I'm multiple people. Now, I know, through research and life most of this is normal-but hear me out. I feel as though praise itself is destroying me, as does the lack there of. I have people tell me, "I'm cutsie." or "I always have a smile." or "I'm so smart." And because I don't remember ever hearing it from other people, I shrug it off.

After all, that's what the modest person does, right?

But seriously, I feel everyone's mistaken. Yeah, people tell me I'm smart. But what the fuck does that mean? Some of my friends are so much smarter than me. I remember receiving notes from peers which reminded me just how stupid I am. I'm not smart. I'm not off to grad school. I mess up grammar ever two seconds, and I'm crying over stupid bullshit as this.

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I'm cutsie? WTF? Have you never noticed the dark circles under my eyes? How much I fight to not drown away in alcohol? Yeah, I'm positive. And how smart... I smile. I force myself to smile, thinking it will help. But someone will still consider banging their head against the wall. But I'm mindless to help. I try. God help me, I try. But all I think to do is to place my hand beyond their head. Padding, yes?


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Is is bad that I see myself as a living punching bag? Give me a black and blue bruise in the process... I don't care! Just don't give me a fucking problem elsewise! I feel like I don't care enough. I'm so selfish. So stupid. So mundane.

I don't deserve to help these people. And I can't. I'm childish, self-destructive, and ridiculous.... God, I'm stupid. Can I do this? Does anyone really have advice that can help me?


.... Perhaps.

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Journal Skin by: =Dragonda