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Literature Text
In the jasmine wind
I trace the gossamer shawl;
Beading silver sand along
my toe. The bewitching sonata
Swaddles lotus wrists; swaying,
Enticing, enrapturing
The feral ripple - a soft gyration,
Navel's caress. Painting the moonlight
My arms swell; Wings shimmer -
A desert mirage. Soaring unto nirvana
I trace the gossamer shawl;
Beading silver sand along
my toe. The bewitching sonata
Swaddles lotus wrists; swaying,
Enticing, enrapturing
The feral ripple - a soft gyration,
Navel's caress. Painting the moonlight
My arms swell; Wings shimmer -
A desert mirage. Soaring unto nirvana
Literature
nirvana
feigning euphoria
on the outskirts of joliet,
i saw You between red glowing streams:
weaving the horizon like a tapestry,
recycling gold beads from a pale morning sari,
dyeing blue-violet fever, shivers
leaking from my head down my arms,
resting in my belly beside You—mixing veins in the night,
embellishing the road with thoughts
of creation: You spin a thread and it unwinds,
fraying at the ends where the cars break the asphalt
and i convulse,
spinning out of control—You doe-eyed like the kid
who crashed his mother's car and dies heavy beneath
that semi, stuck in the pitch dark, oil blearing opalescent
under the gaping taillig
Literature
Zest
Sunset is early,
a cast-off orange peel
floating on the lake.
Literature
Inconsequential
Such an irony, to be so close to you,
so accidentally intimate. So sad those costumes
we had borrowed, disguises for those who
otherwise might have recognised our shades.
If only the moment had supported
the depths of our hidden agenda, if only
our potentiality had exploded around us.
As I departed you proffered your hand,
I felt your transcendent smile. You
turned your back, for your next assignment
was closing in on you. I walked away
as the door was closing behind me.
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Written 11.29.2011. For GrimGloomTale [link] "Illustrate Your Music Contest." The task was to illustrate a favorite music genre. The inspiration for Nirvana is Middle Eastern instrumental music.
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Critique: [link]
1. Do you get a sense of the music floating through the lines?
2. Is this stronger as one solid text (as it is now), or do you think I should play with the line forms and make them dance? Or lengthen it?
3. What do you think of the imagery?
4. Any particular emotion you feel when reading this?
5. Overall ideas, critiques, comments?
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
Critique: [link]
1. Do you get a sense of the music floating through the lines?
2. Is this stronger as one solid text (as it is now), or do you think I should play with the line forms and make them dance? Or lengthen it?
3. What do you think of the imagery?
4. Any particular emotion you feel when reading this?
5. Overall ideas, critiques, comments?
______________________________________________
© 2011 - 2024 paintedpoetry
Comments18
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Overall
Vision
Originality Technique ImpactFirst of all, I love the aesthetics of this piece so much. It sounds lovely! The imagery is also gorgeous, mysterious, and enticing. The formatting and rhythm are very much in keeping with the stereotype of postmodern surrealist free verse composition, which does make it feel a little predictable at times (in terms of structure, not subject). However, the use of exotic, beautiful, precise, and rare words creates an experience that is distinct from any other poetry I've read. This was a delight to read; the bold and vibrant imagery coupled with the beautiful aesthetics and dreamlike flow really made this piece stand out. My favorite line is "trace the gosamer shawl"; positively gorgeous.